Push the Trigger

Thank You! Thank You, God...

I have come into existence; I was given the power to live. From the Nothingness, the fragmented power of life force - the dreams and fears aroused into existence, and were united into a small, fragile container. That I call me. And this whole world was ready for me, it was awaiting me. Supported me by love and care, pain and suffering. It has been giving the air I breath; the food to build my form up; experiences, coming into contact with my innermost core of being through my senses, and nourish my inner tendencies; and the space that let me grow.

And I grow. The dreams I was given embrace the external world -in a realm deep within me, lying way beyond the sphere of my conscious knowledge- and form something new. Shape and reshape the various energies of the universe, to create something unique. Nobody ever was able to give exactly the same response, and nobody ever will, after I merge back into the Dumb Nothing. In the next moment. Then, I, too, will already be someone else. But in this very moment I still am that I am. And the innermost tendencies push me; An inevitable reverse flow starts and rush into existence trough me. They come through my eyes, through my hands, and I push the trigger.

Something miracle has just happened... The formless has taken a form. God has just come to this very world. He, the formless, trough the vast complexity of hidden tendencies revealed Himself, and has become a play of light and shadow. On a photograph. And He puts his palms together and looks back to me. Smiles, and says: "Bless You; God bless You, Son!"




With this thought I give a thank for winning my first award (for this photo):

As It Is

I am sitting in my room and just over there is the garden bathing in the silver light of almost full-moon. A month after the monsoon started this country starts to look like a 'real land'. I mean the burned fields and pure hot rocks give place to life: the green color of life everywhere. Harsh sprawling green colors in various tones, calm the soul and says: We live again!

For days there is an impression growing in me; one serious difference between 'our' attitude and 'theirs' here. A fundamentally different approach to life. Certainly, this is generalization, and as such, it is oversimplification. Still...

Here they are opened up. Extremely social. We are more, much-much more individualist. We try to separate ourselves. In every level of our existence. Look at the cars, for example. Fancy design, luxurious interior which place of our body in full comfort. Perfect noise insulation. Soft music from the high quality sound system, and the car senses and judge by itself more and more situations (from the rain sensor to BLIPS) just to give us the illusion of separated perfect existence, the heaven. Everything goes as we would like to, and at last we believe for a moment that there is something eternal in this world. That this world is after all not a dark and cold vacuum, but a soft, warm home covered by beige leather on the seats and expensive wood on the dashboard. Or have a look to the shopping malls. Everything is carefully kept dust-free. They look pretty, harsh, and ever-new. Natural decay excluded... Brilliant lights, soft music, tons of goods to buy and finally you believe that you are happy. What do you really buy? Some stuff you need or satisfaction? To fill up something. Something that cannot be filled by this way...

Here the life and its tools are more rough. There is not enough resources to build up the illusion of everlasting goods. You feel the elements everywhere around: in cars, in homes. You are bound to encounter with masses of people everywhere again: at homes, while travelling, while working. The smells attacking you everywhere, too; smells of people, the heavy steam of trash water, and your own sweat. There is no illusion created. This is rough as life itself.

A sharp mirror. This roughness pushes you to face with reality. You are not separated, not alienated from the world, but deeply engaged with it. It is around and within you. In Europe you are bound to soften the environment otherwise you die. It led us to the creation of the illusion of security. What we are so stucked to. Here you can stay alive without altering the environment too much. For the price that within the natural tolerance of human body one has to deal with and accept much wider extremes. The roughness of life. No fancy car, no goretex cloth, no well insulated walls. You feel the cold of the winds, the wet of the rain, the burn of the sun, the ups-and-downs of existence. Hundreds of millions live like that.

But we humans do need some secureness, don't we? Where do they find it? Maybe inside? Inside... Beyond the complaining layer of personality in the layer of dreams and believes. And some special souls even deeper, beyond needs, beyond believes can face with what is there. The tranquil space of existence. Where everything is just as it is...

Eyes that tell a story...

...I walk to the farther end of the slums, deep among the 'tents', or whatever... So few we really need... Food, pure water, some place to sleep and friends/community. I had everything over there in Europe: fancy car, nice house, job; still I felt some kind of emptiness. And what these people have? Practically nothing but the very basics. I imagine how most of us in Europe would react to such conditions... With intense envy, hatred, depression, hopelessness. And These people smile-not with the American 'keep-smiling', but from the bottom of their heart. Of course we were conditioned in vastly different ways-still...

They let me in their home, offer a chai and when I try to argue (thinking of my stomach and the millions of bacteria which might be in that water...) they say that they are the very poorest, so I should respect they invitation. And I do. We barely can talk but there is some deep contact nevertheless. Two world have met here, now...

Could I live here? With my European background probably not, unless I am forced to. But it is human, too. I had prejudices but now I feel we are equal; we all share the very same ups-and-downs of human existence. These prejudices... Just alienate us to fet our egos. Among different conditions, though... They are smiling, the children are happily playing in the dust, still, in many eyes I can see something when they forget about themselves; some wondering, some toughness, some resignation, some mixture of unconscious blame and envy. Blame not me, but destiny. Envy not my goods, but asking fate without words: why, why me?

Then the answer comes: karma. And they smile at me again full-heartedly. All right, it is karma-it had been written before they were born here and I was born there. That's it? So, should we continue to fight for a second car, for a bigger house, for a Hugo Boss shirt over there, and should they continue fighting for tomorrow food over here? Is that all right..?

Silly Little Bird...

We are sitting every evening with my close friend, Vinod, in the garden of the Institute during twilight; drinking our evening chai, and discussing about everything: from the sunset to the meaning of the life...

Once while sitting there, he says
There was a forest which was about to be destroyed by a huge fire surrounding it. Only the birds could escape. There was a little bird about to fly away, when it saw the other animals dying on the ground. It felt deep sorrow about them and turned back, flew to a lake, and carried water in its feather, then dropped it to the fire. It restlessly went to the lake,then to the fire, then to the lake again, when God appeared and asked it: you silly little bird, why don't you escape? You cannot even delay the fire. The little bird became angry and replied: You are God; You could do anything; But You will not save them. So, go away and let me do my job! Then it started to keep carry the water in its small feathers and spread it over the forest-fire...

a Whole New World

Simply shocking... I will work for the Indian Institute of Geomagnetism in the following few years. They sent a fancy jeep for me to the airport. Now we are on way back to the Institute, through the city. City... For a long time I was keep thinking that we are passing through some kind of ghetto or slum - but now, this is the city... Dust, trash everywhere; people are by the road sitting around fires on dust; chaos everywhere: in the traffic, among the buildings; shops in such huts which look dirty and like to be abandoned for ages. I have the very strong impression that the whole city was left behind by people hundreds of years ago and they just came back yesterday and started to occupy it again and rebuild from the ruins to match to human condition. This poverty is simply unthinkable for us in the west - at least it was for me.

We stops by a bodega to take a chai (Indian tea with milk). A few people are sitting/standing around. They are smiling from heart and the whites of their teeth brilliantly radiates out from their dark skin (except those who chew bethel; they teeth are strongly reddish). I smile back from my heart, too, and spontaneously realize that even in this dusty, chaotic environment all depth and richness of human emotions, ups-and-downs, understanding and experiences exists. Then a sudden flash strikes through me: I and actually we (generally us middle class people in Europe) have everything what we could or should have to live a happy and balanced life. And in this very moment some deep strain releases; I had to travel thousands of miles to understand that it does not matter where I am. Wherever I am I do have everything I'd need - within me...

Prologue II.

...a strong push draws me back to reality. We started to descend towards Mumbai and just passed a turbulent layer of air; Pearls of light here and there-but nothing spectacular. Where could this city be hiding? I would expect something more from a mega-polis whose population is nearly double of my home country, Hungary, and almost four times as much as that is of whole Finland, where I lived my past 4 years.

For a long time after that incident I did not try to find and follow any organized religion or consistent philosophical view. I felt some intimate relation with the reality, nature, or God if you like it, and that was all. But from time to time an urge came. I knew, or rather felt unconsciousnessly that there are much disturbance, unbalance in my mind-and they should be settled in some way. But decision did not arise until my MSc years. I was in the mountains for several days. When going downhill on one of the last days, suddenly everything was so clear: It's high time to start to consistently walk on a path. I also felt problem with my body: somehow there was not a smooth connection between 'me' and 'him'. I always used to live in my thoughts, in my mind. So, the path should be something which works with the body, which goes beyond the body through the body. It was settled then.

I knew only two of such ways: the far-east martial arts and yoga. I started with Tai Chi. After one year of practice I felt the on physical level this was exactly the one thing that I was seeking, but on philosophical level -I am sorry to say, but- the two teachers I found were not a match to my requirements. So, around 1996 I sifted to yoga. Ever since I have been practicing...

And at the moment the final result of this practice is that I am sitting here, 6000km from my home and five km above my destination, in the air. I am moving to India permanently, to a continent from which I know literary nothing, but some nice, deep philosophical/spiritual insights.

Prologue I.

So, it comes... The plane is approaching Mumbai (Bombay) airport after a roughly seven hours flight. In some sense my long-lasting dream has come true. All in my life I have been deeply interested in the so called 'deeper meaning of existence'-whatever it really means... As young child I got familiar with Christianity. I had studied the Bible, and try to understand its meaning through various churches and sects. I did not work out in quite that way; I remember when I used to arrive to 'Bible discussion' with questions filling both sides of an A4 sheet. They were really kind people. Really. But they answers did not satisfy me. In them there was always some kind of clear personal inclination: fears, hopes, anger, unhappines, etc. I felt less understanding, least facing with reality as it was than some dreamy hopes.

My last such talk happened when when we were discussing about the 'end of the world' which approaching soon and the lost paradise will return. We had a long discussion how peacefully we all will live there, easily harvesting on days, and happily singing by camp fires at twilights. And how happily the lion would lay by a sheep (this was especially one scene I could not grasp; I even discussed with my biology teacher whether it would be possible for a lion to live on grass-diet, but it seemed hopeless. And what about poor grass, anyway?!). Then he said:
-we will live a simple peaceful life. No rich and poor anymore, no useless goods.
-all right, I thought, it really sounds like a nice 'back to nature' dream...
-but I hope, he said, that God will not destroy everything right at armageddon. I hope He will let me try for some years driving those good cars, like Ferrari, Porsche. It would be foolish to destroy them immediately.

My God...

At that evening I told them that this all stuff is not for me. The world changes but we do not-it does not make any sense to me.